I remember opening my eyes again to my mom holding Javier, saying “He’s here, your son is here!”. I tried to smile, but I dozed off again. Then I opened my eyes and saw my cousin. She was saying “You did it! You’re a mommy now! Your son is finally here!” And I dozed off again. When I woke up, I felt a little bit more energized than drowsy and I was hooked up to a beeping monitor. My mom and cousin were crying, and neither had my baby in their arms so thoughts were running through my head. I started crying because I felt so heart broken. I thought I’d lost my baby, my life, the baby I carried for 8 months. I asked my nurse where my baby was, and she told me that he was in the NICU due to unstable blood sugar, unstable temperature, and that he didn’t weigh enough to go home. I also found out that me and my baby pretty much almost completely passed away which explained why my mom and cousin were crying. My blood pressure was still high, so I also had to stay in the hospital for another week. My mom and sister took turns spending the night with me again and my cousins came to the hospital to visit me and visited Javier in the NICU. I asked my mom how much he weighed and what time did I have him because I couldn’t see him until 24 hours. He weighed 4 pounds 14 ounces, but it dropped down to 4 pounds 10 ounces. Being that he couldn’t manage his own body temperature he had to be in an incubator until he could pass an open crib test. I was discharged from the hospital on a Friday and I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay at the hospital until my baby was able to come home with me.

I was so depressed and heartbroken having to leave my baby there. I cried the whole rest of the night and didn’t want to be bothered for a couple days. I called the hospital’s NICU every 3 hours every day to check on my baby and I visited him every other day. I got to do skin to skin, I got to feed and change him, and I even got to put him to sleep and I loved every minute of it. He was making progress and getting better very quickly, and it made me so happy. When the NICU called me to come room in with Javier to take him home, I was so excited! I packed both of our bags and was at the hospital within an hour with his dad. We spent one night with him at the hospital. With all the babysitting I’ve done, I thought it would be easy and man was I wrong. He wouldn’t sleep, and he cried almost all night. I cuddled him and watched TV with him and read to him until he finally fell asleep and so did I.

The next morning, when we were getting ready to go home, I had to sign a lot of papers and set up his first doctor’s appointment and then we could go. My cousin took us to the WIC Office and then we went home and got comfortable. I was showing Javier his room and the parts of the house and he acted as if he’d been home for years. It was so funny. The first three months of his life was sort of hard because I was still new to parenting. Just like my family told me, it’s not like I’m babysitting. This is my own child. I pretty much relied on the hospital and doctor’s office whenever I thought something was wrong with him, and it always turned out to be something normal for babies or something minor. Of course, I started feeling like a bad mom for not knowing my baby like the back of my hand but who doesn’t? It’s like every time I think I’ve figured my son out I’m right back to square one. After he turned four months, it’s gotten so much easier for me and I feel like I got this. I can do this. I know what I’m doing. My baby is now seven months and I feel like the bond I have for him couldn’t grow any stronger! I feel like I’m growing as a mommy and I’m doing so much better.

-Kyra